Now only five nine nine at Currys

Inspector Morse (ITV3 15:20pm)
Surly stout-swilling sleuth investigates a randy academic impaled on a dreaming spire. Hang on we've seen this one before they've left the channel on a loop look that advert's from 1988 no-one has curtains like that anymore woah mullet

FILM: Photoelectric Valency Precipitator (2008) (Sky Premiere 21:00) Departure for Craig Daniel Craig in increasingly esoteric Broccoli franchise. Set in West Africa, 25000 BC, Bond James Bond assists mysterious beauty Victrola Auxetophone (Amelia Martlesham-Jones, fresh from her starring role in Wuthering Daleks) as she attemps to rescue a Russian submarine from his swimming garment. Eyebrow alert! Oop, pick up Dame Judi somebody. Theme song by The Mars Volta, of course.

X Factor on the Floss (ITV 18:45)
Ritual humiliation awaits for young aspiring leading men Justin Geikie-Cobb, Matt McBanyan and Cyril Forth as they line up against each other for a series of public-vote-adjusted Costume Challenges, trussed up in victorian apparel, shrieked at by overexcited housewives and dunked in a lake. The winner realises his all-time dream of giant starchy trousers, daily muggings by overexcited housewives and regular dunkings in lakes, with an escape hatch via 4 rounds of Strictly Come Dancing. Bruno, what are you looking for in the Tango? "Balls I say! You 'ave ze passion, you 'ave ze seexpack, but oh mamma mia I fear you flail like-a-the leper in a 'urricane. I want more Balls!"(Stick to the subject, there's a good chap.)

Time Travel LIVE (Dave, 3.00 a.m. (R))
Male-targeted re-run channel bends the thermodynamic arrow of time by broadcasting a brand new episode of Mock the Week. How did they manage that?

Don't You Know Who I Am? (BBC1 21:00)
Various undeserving gobblers of column inches are escorted from public places for questioning the heredity of the management. This week, troubled footie star Troy Pilchard falls short of the gentleman his dear old mum brought him up to be, following a poignant failure to penetrate the Ritz.

Oh God! Oh Chwist!

Isle of Manford (BBC1 20:15)
Following the success of Kurdistanford, "Auntie" Beeb BBC redresses multicultural balance in drama programming at behest of incandescent public. Episode One: Dorothea and Little Bess escort that cheeky wotter Mr DeGwimston and his priapic dandy sidekick Flumby up a steep hill to see their lovely jolly big new wicker statue. (Voting lines open at 9pm)

Bring your mates!

Hallelujah! A grim November day breaks into sunshine now that the bored news shovellers of Stanley Towers have discovered the true sport of kings. CHESSBOXING! (Yay!) You, our two esteemed readers, now have the following tasks. 1) join the campaign for Olympic status alongside curling and beach volleyball; and 2) send in your suggestions for new sports ventures, by ingeniously stapling together the words of existing sports. Equestrian Bobsleigh. See? long car journeys will never be the same again.

Hey Ho Let's Go

The estates of Harpo, Ringo, La-La, Ginger and Sneezy Ramone do mighty battle for your god-fearin' moose-squashin' commie-burnin' democratizatialising votes, requesting a swing to dat noice catlick boy Mr O' Bama. Onetwothreefour... No, Really. Well, sort of.